Something I Can Never Have

Beware! This might be some tough sledding, but I hope you will take the time to read what I've written which comes from deep within me.

This started out originally as a caption for Vancouverite, who had an interesting f2f request she wanted to see. Below follows what she had listed:

Any preference to situation?  I'd like you to write a cap that features a girl experiencing a "downgrade" in body type or lifestyle.  If possible, please include before and after shots.  (snip with some situations) The focus of the cap should be on her new life and what she's lost.  The story should not be about (or contain) sex.  Please do try to avoid the cliched "justice" caption. I don't want a caption where the girl is just so mean or self-centered at the beginning that she "deserves" the punishment.  In fact, I'd prefer it if she didn't deserve the punishment!

I had the picture and I had a song I wanted to work with, perhaps integrating it into the story. What I had though was MUCH too dark for a caption, especially for someone like Jeff .. and especially since the last caption I made for him was dealing with a best friend changing into his friends dead wife with a misplaced wish. It ended up being a sweet caption, but it was still a heavy mood.

The reason I had chosen the picture was it was somewhat ambiguous in sexuality. The shape looks female, but how much so? It really drew me in. The lyrics are from the first NIN album, and Trent really knows how to bring the emotions, especially tortured ones. There are some different interpretations of them, but for me, there was a huge gaping one that called out to me, and especially for those that WANT to be women, but probably never will be. If you looked at the caption first before reading this (1) shame on you! LOL and (2) read it again and see if you can make some more connections. I just decided to use the lyrics and nothing more. I wanted them to be the centerpiece, even if no one ever saw it.

I will preface this by saying that I love the haven and captioning because its a pleasant escape from reality and I don't really want to be a woman. However, like Rachel, I know a few people that are transgender and the pain they feel is so real its palpable.

It brought out so many emotions in me (I am actually crying right now) because I remember a friend (not from the haven) that self-harmed because of that ONE THING that they can never have. No matter how well the surgery goes, you are (in their minds) not a real woman. You do all you can to make yourself appear, act, and present yourself as feminine, but no matter how well you pass, there is SOMETHING that can keeps reminding you of who you used to be. It is even worse if they don't even have the comfort of a "fake organ" to delude themselves. Every bit of self confidence can come crashing down, even if there isn't a rational thought. It is ALWAYS there in the back of their minds, and down.

I wasn't planning on posting the caption, or for that matter, the very post I'm typing. I made the caption a few weeks ago, but it quite cathartic for me to post all of this right now. I have had such a rough week that went from bad to worse in the last 24 hours or so. One of the people that I love most of all is someone that falls into the category I mentioned up above (though she isn't the self-harmer .. well only once.) Even though she had been through a lot this week as well, she has been an absolute rock for me, along with my girlfriend.

This person knows about the Haven, and kind of thinks its silly, but understands the need of escapism. She wonders why anyone would WANT to be like her. She says she wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I wish that EVERYONE was more like her though, as she is so compassionate yet snarky (almost every day she asks how Rachel and others with health issues on the haven are doing), and the absolute best friend a person could have. No matter how much I tell her that she is the total package, there is always that ... one thing she can never have. I hope and pray that someday, even if for a few moments, she will have EVERYTHING that she ever wanted .. and more! I can't think of a more deserving person.

Damn, this seems to be much more of a Livejournal post than a supposed light hearted TG caption blog. If I wanted to apologize for this, I would. Tough shit though if you don't like this one ... Stay tuned for titties and funny pop culture references on another day.

*addition* I thank you to all who have commented so far. I am going to try to get some sleep after getting maybe 2 hours in the last 40. I will comment on those I haven't so far and hope that people will continue you to do.

I wanted to add the actual song that the lyrics came from in case there were people that hadn't heard it. For me, it is even more of a tie to my best friend. It is probably her favorite group of all time.