Since I've mentioned that I have really enjoyed my recent output of captions quality wise, I figured that I would post something that I enjoyed but would probably have liked even more if I had held back and tightened it up some.
I love the plot, and I wouldn't change anything with it. The guys that are clueless to what is happening to themselves, but seeing how girly the other is ... something about that just really appeals to me, plus from the looks of it, they've been under control for quite a while now which gives a great back story to the whole thing.
From there, it moves along as a brisk pace, and you can follow along fairly nicely .. That Debra's wife was probably the one that came up with the plan to feminize the guys, since she's a bit further along. It also seems to imply that the wives did this so that (1) it would soften the blow to the two originally macho guys, and (2) keep the marriages thriving, and perhaps even saving them.
That there is a happy ending to the caption, although not officially stated, is also a good thing and lends a positivity that isn't always there in TG stories. The picture fits the storyline, with some excessive makeup and the posturing, which could be the culmination of the sissy programming the two guys have been through.
My problems lie with everything above the last two paragraphs. Those are well written and sum up the caption nicely. I'm not sure if I wrote that stuff first. Its entirely possible since I've done that before and worked backwards. Actually, I don't mind the second half of the paragraph before, which leads to the last two paragraphs.
The 1st half of the dialog in this caption just doesn't seem quite right, and I still can't quite put a finger on it. I definitely think it could be tightened up and have all the words spoken weigh more, story wise. Or maybe that the conversation seems more "stage directed" than something that would be said in a normal conversation. I mean, it isn't as bad as a radio commercial ("Your basement is so clean Marge, how'd you do it?" "Acme Basement Management." "Acme Basement Management?" "Yes! Acme Basement Management. Those guys at Acme Basement Management really knew what they were doing." "Well, I guess its Acme Basement Management for me .. what's that number?" etc. ...)
The main reason I'm bringing this up is that even with all the parts lined up and ready to go for an well-done caption, sometimes the pieces don't add up to 100 percent. In my opinion, I had a wonderful premise, strong graphic, and a killer ending/stinger. Somehow, it still didn't work for me.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: How do you feel about the above caption? Do you agree with my synopsis, or do you think I'm being too hard on the caption? Or that I'm wrong in thinking the elements I had were as great as I think they are? Any ideas on how I should have attacked the first half of the text?
Okay i will put my thoughts about this, though i think yours it's good anyway...
ReplyDeleteSo Damien why are we blowing kisses to them?, they have converted us into this, helloooo Damien...
"Sigh" It's DeeDee who's Damien? why are you acting so dumb now, aren't you a girl already. Act like one Mike, me? i'm just a boy, don't you see...
Who's Mike?, i'm Debra you minx... and so on...
That way it should make it a little more unclear to them on why they act like a girl but they don't know about it :3
And a little more clear on the purpose on the cap i think ^-^
You are not being hard on yourself, as i said before Retrofeedback is good to spring new ideas
Hugs and Kisses Alectra
I honestly don't care for the 'oblivious' style captions. Thats not to say I don't get some enjoyment out of them... I do like a lot that Angel has written... but its just not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, I do agree that the conversation in the beginning is a little stilted. But I think the beginning works. It adds a few details that would be missed if they were cut out. Like pointing out 'I'm wearing Pants!'
@ Alectra
ReplyDeleteThe point I was trying to get was that while each guy noticed how girly their friend was getting, they still hadn't quite figured out that THEY were just as feminine. They were on the cusp of realization, but the male ego kept rationalizing their behavior.
@ Caitlyn
I can understand why you don't like oblivious captions, especially since you like submission and humiliation type themes.
I am not a huge "I have NO idea that I am now a woman" captions either, but I do really enjoy the "cusp of understanding" ones where the protagonist realizes they are doing something they shouldn't, gets embarrassed, then slips back into the thing that embarrassed them as a compulsion. Further reminders do the same thing.
One of my favorite stories in that mindset is the original "Slumber Party Nightmare", which unfortunately has a horribly rushed ending. Quite a few people have tried to elaborate and expand it, but the original version has a visceral edge to it that was breathtaking.
I agree, I love the situation and the picture the dialogue is a bit stilted you're right.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the caption, I thought it seemed forced but it gave the caption a bit of whimsy. Like it was due to the training that they were talking like that.
ReplyDelete@ Dee
I had read that story when you sent me the link. At the time I wanted to try and work it down into a caption, but was unsure of how to fit a story inspired by it, into one caption.
I kind of like oblivious captions, the dialogue here is very nicely written. Well done.
ReplyDelete@ Jennifer
ReplyDeleteThat does seem to make sense, that perhaps they are talking like that due to the programming. It still makes me think that I should have done something more with it.
@ sp2000
I'm glad that you liked it. I do them sparingly because they aren't as easy to create as the more straightforward captions. When I come across some more in the archives, I'll be sure to post them here.