Got the news early this morning. Fucking A, man. This sucks We lost a great person.
I had a premonition a week or two ago, and I hated having it. Had this feeling that Sissy Kaaren was no longer with us on this plane of existence. She hadn't been around much in the last 7 months or so, and was having health issues. Mrs. K was doing the best she could, and it was stressful for the both of them. Every day I would check my blog to see if she had posted a comment, and then check her blogs to see if she, or Mrs. K, had given us an update. For awhile before the summer started, it looked like she was all good to make a recovery, as she'd posted a few of her usual musings and funny bits.
But then Mrs. K was the one who was doing most of the posting, giving us updates. Please do go to Kaaren's blog, and read the last few posts. It's heartbreaking, and one of the few things that consoled me when my forever person died, was that she went quickly, with no lingering health issues. One moment she was healthy, and the next, she was just a memory. Fuck, there's no "good" way to die, but I think that way is how I'd like to go. Not that it's any comforting to Mrs. K, but I like to think that Kaaren had that same moment of peace, without any pain or suffering, in how she described how she passed.
Kaaren was so very supportive of this blog, and of me in general. There were a few times when I almost gave this place up, but a kind word, and a funny anecdote would make me smile, and realize that what I was doing was worthwhile to people. Kaaren had often had life shit on her, but she rose above it all, and did it with an oddly positive view, considering her beginnings. She didn't take herself seriously, and just seemed like she could make a dead man smile .. or cum .. or both honestly! It's weird to say that now, but fuck it, she'd have loved to have read that!
After I lost my forever person 2+ years ago, she and Mrs. K reached out to me, and it was such a wonderful show of support, and I can only imagine what she is going through right now. Well, I have a good idea, since neither one of us got to say a final goodbye .. but as I wrote to her on the post from today, it was some form of, "It's not a goodbye .. it's just farewell until we meet again." Mrs. K .. you are always welcome to email me, comment on my blog, call my phone, crash in my humble apartment .. whatever you want or need.
One of the hardest parts of getting older is seeing people you care about suffer and pass away. It's sort of a curse, because they are hopefully at peace, and you are left with an awful void where there used to be a spot filled with comfort and understanding. But, you are still here to keep the memories alive, and let their spirit survive.
I've lost quite a few people in the last 3 years, most of them within my "real life" and though I never met her, nor heard her voice .. she spoke to me many times, and this loss is palpable in a way that transcends O's and 1's and screens and email messages. This is a tough fucking loss. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She loved my bench captions. She definitely starred in the most for any person out of all the ones I've done. I thought about making her one last one, but I can't at the moment. I am in tears, and I'm surprised I was able to write what I have so far. Hell, I might not make another bench caption ever again.
So, the one in this post is the last one I made for her. She was sick, and I was doing some wishful thinking for her. I think it says something about the fight she was in with her health that I posted this originally on March 11, and she didn't respond until April 29. She posted twice .. and here's what she said:
I love it!!!!Thank you Dee....you're just the sweetest!!!!I'm finally trying to catch up on my lost time over the past months and I've found nothing but love.... And you know how I love the benches.....I just love the idea that there might still be some magic in this tired, old world....
Okay....not sure what went wrong here....but I just wrote a witty comment here....Full of my deep insight and knowledge of the swapping of sexes....Hit the publish button and poof it was gone!!!!Anyways....thanks so much Dee...you know I love the bench stuff....I love the idea of random magic waiting around to change peoples lives!!!!My wife said she might want to switch once....Our friend Stacy says that she gets enough of the feeling with her strap-on....she really likes her strap-on....and that was good enough for her!!!Dee....I want to thank you so much for the love you've shared with me and my wife....we both appreciated it so much.....if you were here I'm sure we would both show you our gratitude in a lot of interesting ways!!!!Love youKissesKaaren
God damn it, I wish I really had magic powers. I'd take everyone's pain away, and I'd find a way to make sure no one reading my blog would have to suffer. FUCKKKKKK!
Her last message to me was this:
I like this one Dee....wish I had enrolled there....As for where I've been....well.....lets not get into that.....But I'm here now and I cannot thank you enough for your support and kindness over the past couple of months.....I don't want to ruin your dark reputation so I'll stop there....KissesKaaren
.. and how did I respond .. well, I hope she at least chuckled. Doesn't sound as loving now, but I won't take back a single word. I know that she took it with the dark humor and love that I meant it to be.
You are one person that I had a really good idea what you were going through, and you were on my mind quite a bit, both you and Mrs. K.Just glad that you are now responding to posts now and again. I did NOT want to have to contact you via Ouija boards. Those things can be a pain in the ass to use, and the auto-correct features suck! I know you'll be more in touch as time goes on and you get back to your version of normal!
As I've mentioned at least a few times since my forever person passed, please do tell the people you love that you cherish them, that you love them, and be there for them. Let them know until they are sick of you saying so. Tomorrow should never be taken for granted. There's only a finite amount of time we are allotted, and only a finite number of people like Sissy Kaaren. You were one of the good ones!
I am going to be gone for a few days from this blog. Please do write something for the last post .. I want to see a bunch of responses, both on that post and this one too. Hopefully Sissy Kaaren touched your life as much as she did mine.
Come and go with me, It's more fun to share
We'll both be, completely at home in midair.
We're flying not walking, On featherless wings.
We can hold on to love, like invisible strings
There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place.
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there .. Someday.
I posted over there... I do not like Mrs. K is blaming herself. My mother was staying with me fighting cancer when she passed. I was actually feeding her soup when her head just leaned back. No time for goodbye, no sign of pain... but gone. An aneurysm. Nothing could be done. Mts. K could have done nothing. She brought Kaaren to a place she thought was lovely, and she was at peace, and the time came to fly into the beautiful sunset.
ReplyDeleteI know. I read that too and my heart wept for her, as I had felt the same way, "if I had only been there, or heard something, etc .." after I had discovered my forever person. It is something that will take time. I still have nightmares where I discover her in my dreams.
DeleteAnd I totally agree. Without sounding too morbid, I'm not sure there could have been a better place to be, one in which Kaaren was comfortable, and with such a peaceful place.
So sorry to read, but her suffering is over.
ReplyDeleteIndeed. It's much harder for us now than it is for her.
DeleteMy sincere condolences to you Dee, Mrs. K and the entire community on the loss of Kaaren. While I did not know Kaaren, everything I have read about her was nothing short of fantastic. She will be missed but her memory lives on through all those whose lives she touched. Zoe
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope so. I would like to think that Mrs. K would keep them up and running, at least in the short term .. but it's also something that she doesn't need on her plate either. I'd be happy to moderate them for her if she wishes, especially if she decides to maybe keep up only one of them as a memorial.
DeleteI have naught to offer but condolences and sympathies. Your pain is felt, your feelings shared. Love and best wishes. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks. All those things really should be given to Mrs. K though. I was an internet confidant of Kaaren's. Obviously, Mrs. K was her soulmate. I just wanted to lift up Kaaren, and give a bit of a shout-out to who she was, and what she meant to others.
DeleteThis is such sad news. I have been gone for so long and have lost track of many. There was a time Kaaren and I were very close. I am beyond sad to learn of her passing. Your tribute about her is lovely Dee. Thank you. xoxo, Leeanne
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time sweetie! Wish it was under better circumstances. Kaaren and I definitely talked about you at least a few times, especially after you vanished.
DeleteI hope you are doing well. Feel free to email me some time. I'm still me, but older, and somewhat wiser .. trying to make my way in the world as best I can, and taking care of my Dee-ciples here on the blog.
Sadness, nigh unspeakable sadness, upon reading this news and learning of your loss, and Mrs. K's, and of ours as a community. I recently lost my mother to cancer and am still in grief. I suppose that some part that has touched our soul never completely goes away. Dee, thank you for commemorating our sister. Kaaren would have liked the commemoration, and your tribute to her, to know that she did not pass like tears in rain but in her own sort of peace with her dearest near to her in spirit if not in person.
ReplyDeleteAlthough many of us are far in distance and communicate via the internet, I do believe that Kaaren found her smiles and giggles and the kind of community here that in a more perfect world might have been realized physically in person. But the smiles and the giggles and the hugs and the thoughts unexpressed---that is a life in itself, a universe, a home. And that is not lost, perhaps, and those we have lost may have crossed over a door; and when one door is closed another one opens. Somewhere, Dee, and in no small part thanks to you, perhaps she is smiling still. As is the one you one you loved and whom you love still.
Another Dee-ciple visiting us again after some time away. Once again, sorry that it was under sad circumstances. Perhaps this is an example of how a community of "strangers" can feel so connected, even as distance and time gets away from us.
DeleteAnd there is a bit of irony that we could use some smiles and giggles right now, but the person most qualified to give them is the reason we could use them in the first place. The good news is that we've got hundreds of posts and comments from her that can at least give us a lift when we need them.
So glad you commented. As I tell everyone .. I'm here. Please do drop in when you can, and sit for a (magic) spell.
Very sad. Rest in peace.
ReplyDelete