Good Days, Bad Days, and Creature Comforts

It can be really hard to get motivated to do stuff, doubly so if you aren't comfortable ..

I've been in a 'meh' state for over a week now. It's hard to move forward, when you don't necessarily want things to change. And no matter how much things seem to progress, I can still see that the way things are right now are going to backslide soon enough. It's a very weird time to be alive, and for those of you out there that haven't had too much happen to you over the last 7 or so months, Goddess bless you, honestly. It's been a slog and a half for the rest of us. If you don't want to read about my mindset, skip to the asterisks ahead, and I'll spare you some things I'm working through.

Just looked at the date that I created this caption, and it was a month ago. Made it trying to reassure others, and probably myself as well, that I am doing OK. If OK is "meh" and unmotivated to do anything, then I guess I am OK. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, even though I know I won't be able to sleep anymore at that moment. It's a struggle to take a shower, keep up with friends and tasks I have to do. I go to a grocery store, and smile at someone while trying to be nice, but they can't even see the effort under the mask, so why bother either making that effort.

Occasionally I will just say, "Fuck it! Do SOMETHING! Anything!" and I'll get something done. That SHOULD drive me to do more things and get some momentum. But I just say, "Well, there you go. I accomplished SOMETHING, leave me alone!" Even though I know that can be an issue. It was easier for me to be social when I had someone to drag me out and do things with. For my safety and for my friends safefty, I am trying to stay socially distanced, but I feel so disconnected too. I'll meet up with someone in a parking lot, then when I'm there, I feel like I'm either emotionally distancing too, or I'm overburdening them with my issues.

And all this is definitely reflecting on this blog in a negative manner. I thought my last caption and post was OK, but it's down in views and no comments in 4 days. I am not connecting with you all the way I probably should be .. and I've gotten to that "Fuck that!" mode for captioning. Why bother? I love to help others, make them feel better, or more secure, or safe .. and I don't think I am good at that in this moment .. and what sort of escapism can I offer when I feel like this.

The caption isn't really wrong though. I am happy with who I am, in theory. Right now, it's the brain and my emotions that are fucking me up .. something that has never truly screwed me up before. I'm sure that I was happily delusional before as to my situation. There was always a "things could be worse," mentality that helped me through rough times in the past. Plus, some rampant alcohol consumption and sexual conquesting that helped me get over issues back in the day, that were given up when I met "my forever person" which also lifted my mood tenfold, and kept it like that for the last 20+ years. That isn't me anymore, and it's strange to think that somewhere along the line, when creating a better, loving bond, I sort of lost some of what was me in the first place.

And maybe that is some of it. Much of what gave me pleasure has been taking away from me due to societal norms changing, along with some medical issues AND a once a century pandemic hitting me at the worst possible time, when I severely need the outreach of friends and family. Putting these feelings down in this blog helps too. Maybe I'll be better in a few days. Maybe shit will be worse. I'm not going anywhere though. You are all stuck with me for the foreseeable future!

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Welcome back to those who skipped what I had to say above. I don't have much more to say though, so I'll catch you next time. To everyone, what sort of posting / caption would you like to see next? Figured I would ask, as perhaps that will jog something that makes me WANT to whip something up and post it here for everyone to read.