What are you supposed to be, a clown or something? Sometimes.
Early Father's Day post, so that I might end up posting something cheerier on the actual day.
My dad loves a movie from 1994 .. The Crow. I loved it too, but for different reasons. Among them, is that I love the soundtrack, and the actor who plays the villain, Top Dollar, is wonderful in the role. I was into that whole scene when the movie came out, and I was The Crow for a few Halloweens.
My dad loved it for the symbolism. He lost his wife, my mother, that same year, after 20+ years of marriage, to a rare cancer. My dad was 47. Brandon Lee, who starred in the movie, died tragically young while working on the movie when a stunt went wrong. Everything about it resonated with him, as he was the more dark and world-weary person in the couple, as my mom was very positive and tried to find the best in everything.
Dad gave me this. Fifth birthday. He said,
"Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die."
And a few months ago, he saw everything that happened to him, play out with his only child, who lost the love of his life suddenly, who'd been together for more than 20 years, and was about the same very age that my dad lost my mom.. And he's very stoic. I honestly haven't had a conversation about this. I don't think he can wrap his head around it. I'm hoping that he will at some point. I'm sure he might have some wisdom to give me. He's been quite distant, and the whole covid-19 this hasn't helped us in the slightest. I honestly have no idea what to say to him either.
I have something to give you. I don't want it anymore. Thirty hours of pain all at once, all for you.
He chose to mourn by dating like 3 months later with someone that my mother knew and considered a friend. I think that helped him because she knew his wife, and would honor the memory, and not pressure him to move on quickly, etc .. I have NO idea what I am going to do. I really want to stay socially distanced anyway at the moment, and what the HELL do I know about modern dating. I stopped that, and figured I'd have no reason to ever do it again when I found the beacon of light back in 1999. I don't think I'm made for tindr or dating apps. We will have to see how life plays out.
Thank you for indulging me with this piece of my heart posting. The caption isn't quite TG, unless you read between the lines, but it goes out to all my sisters that feel like an outcast, that nobody understands them .. there is someone out there for everyone, trust me!
I love you. Say that again. I love you.
But every night I burn, But every night I call your name. Every night I burn, Every night I fall again.
There you go....you've got me crying again....
ReplyDelete"Real love is forever" I believe that too....there's many things I don't believe...Ghosts....UFO's....Religion....Bigfoot....but i do believe real love is forever....oh and the Loch Ness Monster....Nessie is for real for sure!!!!
Don't be sad Dee.....she'll always be a part of you....your GF I mean....not Nessie....Nessie will always be a part of me....but that's a story for another day!
Kisses
Kaaren
Funny you mention Nessie, as the GF loved The International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland, Maine. We actually went there TWICE! We both thought it was hilarious, but she did believe in some of the mythical creatures. She is also the one who saw a presence in our old apartment, but said he was was more of an observer, and thought it might be my grandfather checking up on me.
DeleteAnd please don't be too sad. My dad found the movie cathartic I think, and probably fulfilled the "avenging" aspect of trying to fight something that inevitable in the long run. One thing I'd tell him is that at least my GF didn't suffer, as far as we can tell. My mom went through chemo hell and the slow degeneration of her body until it couldn't handle it anymore. I think that is one advantage he had in his situation, as he could at least subconsciously prepare for the end. Yeah, it's definitely deep thoughts.
When I was 11 years old I was sent to stay with relatives in Scotland for the whole summer..
DeleteOne of the things they did was take me to see Loch Ness.....and because I'm not religious I can't swear on a bible but I'll swear on my wife that I saw something big surface in the Loch....like a serpents back....and it wasn't a trick of the light and it wasn't my imagination and it wasn't a log as the tour guide tried to tell me....
It moved and changed direction and surfaced more than once in different spots....other people saw it too....but no one believed us!!!
I like to think that Nessie was just saying hello and feeling sociable that day...
Kisses
Kaaren
I think it's wonderful that you have a connection through that movie, even if it saddens me that you have a deeper connection through shared grief. We all grieve in our own way, some in private some in denial, but whatever works for you is what's right.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time, hon, and worry about dating or socializing when the time is right (and a stranger's kiss doesn't risk the plague). I'm not religious or spiritual, so I won't say she's watching over you or anything like that, but she's inside you . . . she's a part of your memories and your experiences . . . and whenever you choose to move on, she'll still be there, happy with you. :)
Thanks Sally.
DeleteI am probably some sort of agnostic. She was more pagan than wiccan, but there were some tenets she believed in, especially The Rule of Three. I do believe that she is flitting about right now somewhere, hopefully enjoying the freedoms and bliss of being un-tethered by expectations and duties to others. But hopefully, swinging by to visit me occasionally, and ease my burdens a bit.
And I am taking things one day at a time. Enjoying a bit of freedom while it's offered. I really do think we are going to be in a shitshow of covid-19 here in a few weeks.