I wanted to mention that I added that little Formspring widget in the left column. Not sure how many people will use it, but perhaps those that wish to comment anonymously might do so, or submit questions. Since I'm not posting piccy's of me dressed all seductively (Hey Sasha! Looking good! hee hee) I will probably get half and half as far as naughty comments and thought filled caption questions.
For the next week, I will try to answer as many questions as possible, unless they are totally unreasonable. What is unreasonable .. I will be the judge of that. And if it is, I will just use it as a jumping off point to rant about the decline of polite society. If I can, I'll also post captions that possibly relate to the questions asked.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: Do you ever get that voice, like Vincent did in the caption, to enjoy TG adventures that you feel that you shouldn't think about? Or does something in your environment, a person, thing, or song bring you back to those thoughts? Do you focus on purging it from your mind, or do you embrace it for what it is? Do you ever act out on that voice?
That little voice haunted me for many years. I always thought it 'wrong' to enjoy these wonderful stories, but couldn't help myself from checking out fictionmania or some other site and getting my fill. whenever I tried to think it out logically I couldn't come up with any 'rightness' or 'wrongness' to accompany the stories. But that lack of moral compass didn't change my aversion to 'liking' them.
ReplyDeleteEventually I just ignored the voice. It was still there trying to nag me, but I just paid it no heed. Several years ago I did my best to rationalize out my feelings. Did it mean I was a cross dresser? No. I had tried cross dressing and got no enjoyment out of it. Did it mean I was a woman trapped in a man's body? No. I am a very happy man, and really have no desire to be a woman. Did it mean I was gay? No. I am firmly sexually attracted to women, and not sexually attracted to men. So if it doesn't mean any of these things.... then what does it mean?
It means I am attracted to the fantasy of being feminized. That's it. It has no deeper moral or spiritual meaning than that. It holds the same value as being attracted to feet. For a short while that voice went away. I enjoyed what I enjoyed and didn't have to listen to anyone telling me not to. Then the voice returned.... but it was encouraging. If I like the stories, why not look at some pictures? How about some videos? Hey these caps look like fun... why not go to this "Haven" and see more of them. Wow, they look like a lot of fun, why not try to make some?
That voice eventually became Caitlyn.
I am so glad that while I 'tried' to purge the thoughts from my head, that I never succeeded. I now accept these thoughts into more and more of my life. I imagine little stories and scenarios all the time. Only one has ever become a cap, but what if I allowed myself to let these thoughts roam through my head years before? Could I have come to this place (not this blog, or the Haven, but this place in my mind) sooner? I'll never know that, but I will never try to purge it again.
The only thing that remains is getting enough courage up to share my online Caitlyn self with some of my Real Life family and friends. They don't know anything about her, but she is now occupying up large amounts of my time. It will happen one day.
I'm sure that the voice... that Caitlyn is now here to stay.
@ Caitlyn & Everyone
ReplyDeleteYou always come up with such wonderful comments! And what you wrote was exactly the kind of thoughts I was hoping to hear about. Plus, wrestling with a moral compass, and wondering why you like something in theory that you'd never agree to do or care for in real life is challenging.
Other than TG stuff, I really love Mind Control and Hypnosis stories, with "bimbo"ing women and some types of degredation involved as well. Thing is, I would never want to see that in real life. I am not necessarily sure I'd even like to try any of that in "play" mode, especially with someone I love and care about.
Now that I'm older, I can understand it better though. I've had conversations with many women I know, and some have rape fantasies. They'd never ever WANT to be raped, but they do fantasize about it, and MANY romance novels do contain rape scenes in it. Hell, the well known "Luke and Laura" from General Hospital started when Luke raped her. So much for romance!
Please don't get the idea that I am equating rape with TG issues. I am referring to the feeling of liking fantasies that would be very unpleasant in real life, but can/have been fetishized. I think that the main point is "I get it" when I didn't quite understand before.
I love reading "Sara's Confessions" blog, even though I don't have any particular desire to be a sissy controlled by a loving girlfriend. It is such a great personal glimpse into the thoughts of one though. Recently, she even admitted that she wouldn't want to be cuckolded in real life, even though the thoughts turn her on, thinking that perhaps his loving GF is out flirting and possibly doing more. 10 years ago, I probably would've been all "WHAT THE HELL DUDE!" on many levels, but at this point, I think they probably have a better relationship than 90 percent of the people in this country!
I'm rambling, but Caitlyn has stirred up some thoughts that I wanted to get out. I'm hoping that what I wrote, here and above, along with Caitlyn's words, will get others to post as well.
"Now that I'm older, I can understand it better though" ... that really makes me think.
ReplyDeleteAbout the same time that I made learned to just accept my enjoyment of this, and made peace with Caitlyn as part of me, I did the same in many areas of my life.
For example it really used to bother me when I talked (debated? argued?) politics with people on the opposite side as me. I would find it almost insulting that they could think that way. Now a days I am far more accepting of it. I just accept that they think differently than me, and I'm fine with it (I still love to debate/argue with them though!). Another example would be certain fetishes.... specifically water sports. It really bothered/disturbed me. I still don't like it, but I accept it as a fetish that some people just like. They may not know why they like it and may never want to experience it in real life (starting to sound familiar eh?) but that doesn't mean that I should feel disturbed by their interest in it.
I think overall getting over this hump in my own personal views, has helped out all areas of my life. In other words Caitlyn makes me a better person. I hope many people share their feelings and thoughts. I know that we all come from different life experiences and desires. I can imagine that someone who really does cross dress, or really is transgendered, could find some of my more humiliating sex romps to be insulting. I really hope that they understand that I don't mean those caps in any way toward them or their lifestyles at all. They are written out of my own fantasy/fetish. And just because I call it a fantasy or a fetish doesn't mean that I don't have all the respect in the world for their own personal journey. That I know it isn't a fetish nor a fantasy to them.
This topic is very close to me, especially seeing as how my new series tackles those fantasy's you never really want to be involved in.
ReplyDeleteI've purged my CD and sub kinks many many times in the past. The Cross dressing and TG fantasy's being the victim of many moments of guilt. Before I made it to the haven I got that voice to finally shut up and just accept this side of me. It was also very difficult for me seeing as how I'm religious as well. I'm not sure what was stronger, that this wrong in society's (and my familys) eye, or that this wrong in religious views.
But I can't deny that Jennifer is another side of me now and If you know Jennifer, then you probably know me better then some do in real life! Some where Jeremy and Jennifer melded and I just accepted it.
I'm relived that I no longer feel guilty, or have doubts about it. It was actually harmful to deny this side of me. But With the acceptance came the bummer of a face, that Even though emotionally I can feel like Jennifer, I could never feel that way physically. I might want to put on a skirt and feel closer to that side of my self, I just can't pull it off and it ruins the feeling.
And on the other side of the coin, I have the submissive desires. For a long while I thought it was a kink, one that I wouldn't explore to much and it was just something I enjoyed reading about. But, The years moved on and Jennifer made her presence a little more known and.. through her I was able to discover another side of my self.
Even still, I didn't know how deep it ran until I experimented online. I knew I liked the thought of submission, but didn't know to what degree I enjoyed it. Was it a fantasy or really something I wanted? Dee knows that for a while I played with it. A task here and a task there, it was fulfilling and exciting, but still unclear on what I wanted from it.
SO, Through a funny set of circumstances I ended up under the care of a master for 2 months. I miss it still, but it was very freeing and made me feel.. It's a hard thing to describe, but lets say complete. From then on I knew that my future relationships would have to be of a Mistress/sub nature. If a normal girl couldn't accept Jennifer or the submissive nature, then she couldn't accept me.
The series I'm working on now is a little exposing, instead of a character in a fictional world with me writing up the responses. It's me in a fictional what if story and my own emotional responses.. I'm trying not to hold anything back in it, but It's hard to open up something so personal.
But in the end if I'm writing up a story about Jennifer, then I have to be as honest as I can. (a little artistic license here and there..) to lie in the story is to deny something about me and not accept it.
I could hold back in it, It's my story. but It's not what I wanted to do with it. And Even though I'm nervous about it, It's been a little therapeutic for me.
Closing thoughts.. So, I think Jennifer has done a lot for me. Something I tried hard to shake off and tell my self was wrong and I should be ashamed to feel this way.. I did my self a dis-service to deny it though. Once I accepted it I was able to feel like.. Like I could breath for the first time. I used to keep my emotions all bottled up, no matter what happened I put it away and ignored it. Just kept moving on and remained strong.
ReplyDeleteNeither of you were around for this, but around the time I joined the haven is also when I had my first panic attack. My mom was just out of her 2nd surgery and in many ways was a lot tougher then the first one. The first month she was optimistic, If she got depressed I could pick her back up and have her smiling again. She believed she could walk and come away from it stronger then before.
But the 2nd surgery, (another month in the hospital) and the constant pain she was under crushed all of that. I remember one night in particular, I wasn't even sure how I talked her out of it. She just didn't care any more, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.. She didn't want to go on and she didn't want to see another day if it meant living like that. I some how made her feel better, but I can't exactly remember what I even said. It was just so unbelievable, I knew the circumstances, but I never felt more alone up there then when I had to talk her out of that by myself. I helped her through it and As always I put it away and counted it as victory that I could be there for her.
I started to feel the pressures of.. well everything leading up to the attack. But I didn't feel like I could turn to anyone else in my personal life. I had to remain strong and could not show that it had got to me, I did I couldn't be trusted to help others again and I would be to weak to handle it.
for a year after the surgery's I kept it bottled up inside, until finally I spilled my guts out on the haven's blog system. It felt so good to let it all out and just let my self cry and feel those emotions I was trying to deny. I thank my friends at the time for helping me through it. but I could have never let my self feel so vulnerable and reveal so much of my hidden feelings until I accepted Jennifer as another side of my self. I didn't have to always be the strong one in the group, I could lean on others and then return the favor to them as well.
That was a lot longer then I intended.. but It's the defining moment to me for how my Fem side, Jennifer, has helped me. So given the subject, I couldn't leave it out.
@caitlyn: I'm not sure if I would consider my self a real cross dresser. I enjoy it and wish I could do it more often, but I can't pass so it pulls me out of moment pretty easily. (bit of a downer..) But for what it's worth, I see nothing wrong with any of your story's and most are actually similar fantasy's I have my self.
@caitlyn, ditto. I've expressed my aweness to your intellect and articulation several times.
ReplyDelete@Jennifer, you're a whore and a slut. All you want is to suck cock and take it up the ass. You have more followers than any of us. That means you a pervert magnet.
I think a lot of my feeling are on my blog these days. I'm out and about with my crossdressing. I have denied it. I have gotten rid of clothes several times. I have gone back and froth more times than I can count. I have fought it, suppressed and acted on it. My TG fantasies have come and gone. I remember not thinking of it at all for some years during college. I was too busy having too much sex, drugs and alcohol.
I think the Haven really fuelled 'sasha." Making caps was fun and a huge turn on before the Haven and not to trade it just added another aspect to it. I remember Bren inviting me to join the Haven to trade caps. At the time I had no freaking idea what she was talking about. It took me 3 months to try it out since she first contacted me. The rest is history.
I still make caps but I think I think I've switched a bit to cross dressing a little more. Way to take it up a notch. I also for some reason went old school again and discovered that I really enjoy making caps just for myself with my preferences.
Anyway, ramble... ramble... ramble... :-)
@Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI noticed that you sucessfully capitalized the begining of your sentences and were able to string several words together to make coherent sentences. How come you couldn't do it when I asked you to write a formal letter? Bitch! ;-)
My urges purely lie in a fantasy. I know where they lay so I don't have them. Perhaps the only one I've had that could intrude upon normal life could be exploring the TG world beyond the internet.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered what it would it be like to perhaps date someone who's transgendered? What would be the issues you would face or would I be brave enough to deal with them? Could I be brave enough to accept them as they are? There are also the elements of sex and how would I feel with that? Would I feel a need to categorize myself and/or that person? As much as I would like to say I'm open-minded, there's that need to want to categorize things and try to place them in a box.