Saturday, June 25, 2011

Something I Can Never Have

Beware! This might be some tough sledding, but I hope you will take the time to read what I've written which comes from deep within me.

This started out originally as a caption for Vancouverite, who had an interesting f2f request she wanted to see. Below follows what she had listed:

Any preference to situation?  I'd like you to write a cap that features a girl experiencing a "downgrade" in body type or lifestyle.  If possible, please include before and after shots.  (snip with some situations) The focus of the cap should be on her new life and what she's lost.  The story should not be about (or contain) sex.  Please do try to avoid the cliched "justice" caption. I don't want a caption where the girl is just so mean or self-centered at the beginning that she "deserves" the punishment.  In fact, I'd prefer it if she didn't deserve the punishment!
I had the picture and I had a song I wanted to work with, perhaps integrating it into the story. What I had though was MUCH too dark for a caption, especially for someone like Jeff .. and especially since the last caption I made for him was dealing with a best friend changing into his friends dead wife with a misplaced wish. It ended up being a sweet caption, but it was still a heavy mood.

The reason I had chosen the picture was it was somewhat ambiguous in sexuality. The shape looks female, but how much so? It really drew me in. The lyrics are from the first NIN album, and Trent really knows how to bring the emotions, especially tortured ones. There are some different interpretations of them, but for me, there was a huge gaping one that called out to me, and especially for those that WANT to be women, but probably never will be. If you looked at the caption first before reading this (1) shame on you! LOL and (2) read it again and see if you can make some more connections. I just decided to use the lyrics and nothing more. I wanted them to be the centerpiece, even if no one ever saw it.

I will preface this by saying that I love the haven and captioning because its a pleasant escape from reality and I don't really want to be a woman. However, like Rachel, I know a few people that are transgender and the pain they feel is so real its palpable.

It brought out so many emotions in me (I am actually crying right now) because I remember a friend (not from the haven) that self-harmed because of that ONE THING that they can never have. No matter how well the surgery goes, you are (in their minds) not a real woman. You do all you can to make yourself appear, act, and present yourself as feminine, but no matter how well you pass, there is SOMETHING that can keeps reminding you of who you used to be. It is even worse if they don't even have the comfort of a "fake organ" to delude themselves. Every bit of self confidence can come crashing down, even if there isn't a rational thought. It is ALWAYS there in the back of their minds, and down.

I wasn't planning on posting the caption, or for that matter, the very post I'm typing. I made the caption a few weeks ago, but it quite cathartic for me to post all of this right now. I have had such a rough week that went from bad to worse in the last 24 hours or so. One of the people that I love most of all is someone that falls into the category I mentioned up above (though she isn't the self-harmer .. well only once.) Even though she had been through a lot this week as well, she has been an absolute rock for me, along with my girlfriend.

This person knows about the Haven, and kind of thinks its silly, but understands the need of escapism. She wonders why anyone would WANT to be like her. She says she wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I wish that EVERYONE was more like her though, as she is so compassionate yet snarky (almost every day she asks how Rachel and others with health issues on the haven are doing), and the absolute best friend a person could have. No matter how much I tell her that she is the total package, there is always that ... one thing she can never have. I hope and pray that someday, even if for a few moments, she will have EVERYTHING that she ever wanted .. and more! I can't think of a more deserving person.

Damn, this seems to be much more of a Livejournal post than a supposed light hearted TG caption blog. If I wanted to apologize for this, I would. Tough shit though if you don't like this one ... Stay tuned for titties and funny pop culture references on another day.

*addition* I thank you to all who have commented so far. I am going to try to get some sleep after getting maybe 2 hours in the last 40. I will comment on those I haven't so far and hope that people will continue you to do.

I wanted to add the actual song that the lyrics came from in case there were people that hadn't heard it. For me, it is even more of a tie to my best friend. It is probably her favorite group of all time.


  1. It's a very powerful piece Dee, It reminds me of very dark times And I think there's still a very heart retching post left by me on the haven to this day. Something I felt I desperately had to get out. In fact, I think it's part of the reason one person completely shut me out and ignored me. All because I had feelings I needed to get out, feelings I didn't know how to deal with and was reaching out to anyone that could help.

    I've come to accept things as they are, but that is still a tough thing to go back to and some times I might find my self in that state of mind.. I almost made a caption like this before.. I just had this overwhelming sadness and an idea came to me.. I didn't do it because it's a rough set of feelings and all I wanted was to get out of that state of mind.

    I don't know, this is a very moving post, but I can't think of anything else to say. If I keep going I could possibly start crying to. So I think I might put an end to it now. Lovely post Dee.

  2. Thanks Jennifer!

    The weirdest thing is I was replying to YOUR post while you were doing this one!

    And one of the reasons I posted this was due to our conversation the other day. I chose to be fearless in this blog because I really had to do it. I am in a bit of an emotional state right now, and I wanted to lift up a person that is so dear to me that suffers so much with what she calls "her defect".

  3. your welcome Dee. this post and your feelings both hit home to me on many lvl's. And there's not many people on right now, so if were to really get into it, I might start to drag my self down. But i truly think this is a wonderful and powerful post. Maybe one day I should make that caption I put away...

    I'm glad that our conversation helped you to make this post, I'm glad you did make it. though it brings up some sad, depressing and hurtful feelings, it's good to see things like this from time to time. you, me, other blogers, readers, Everyone! it reminds people that there's an actual person behind these posts, someone with more in their life and more on their mind's then just captions. And I think, and hope, creates a deeper connection with the readers. Perhaps it could touch someone's life in such a way that you never knew possible.

  4. Dee,

    They say great art should get inside you. Make you look at yourself. It should change you. I haven't found it that often, but when I do its like a strike of lightning.

    This cap of yours is art. It got inside me. It made me look at myself. And it's changing me. I've made no bones that this is a fantasy of mine. A fetish. But this really shines the light on the fact that this is very very real from some. I take things a little to lightly some times, worrying that I can't write well, or that I've lost my muse... but this is LIFE for some. I think I'll carry that a little closer to my heart now.

    I'm sorry to hear about your friends. Even when dealing with mental health, I never really understood the desire to hurt ones self. Only that it is a deep deep hurt to make someone do that. I hope that they can get the help that they need.

  5. Hey Dee,

    You made something special here. It is hard for me to put the right words together about it. I fall into a category of people you mentioned. What I thought of as I read your post was part of some lyrics from a Christina Peri song, "Dancing slowly in an empty room....I'm a ghost of the girl I want to be." I feel like that ghost.....wanting and even seeing myself like I want to be, but reality being that I am never that which I feel like. How horrible it must be when it never leaves, after transition.

  6. @ Caitlyn

    I can't rationalize self-hurting either, but I am relatively happy with who I am and how I view myself.

    @ Alexia

    I thought about you when I was making this post. Because of the personal nature, I tried to keep it strictly about my friend(s) and what they feel and experience: but you were on my mind when I was posting.

    I often laugh when I'm with people (or reading online) about what the most powerful weapon in the world is and how much damage it can do.

    There is no doubt to me that the most dangerous weapon in the world is ... the brain.

  7. Uhmmm i hope i didn't come late to this one first i cannot begin to understand how your friend is faring, because i'm not in her situation nor i'm willing to pass through that big step i'm happy being who I am ^-^.

    Still i can connect whit the feelings put into the song and the purpose behind the cap, even if it doesn't relate directly to me, it's remind me of my childhood with happened to be horrible most of it...

    But yeah I like to come from time to time (if not daily "giggle") to your blog as is tend to be for me one of the best i visit ^-^ (from the bunch i visit don't start to get jealous eh, eh, eh)
    Hugs and Kisses Alectra