The reading that I've been waiting for, but then again, we always knew the way it would be.
Hadn't really felt the draw to captioning lately. Stuff has been going on that needed me elsewhere, and some of it relates to my beloved, and other parts for those she cared for when she was alive.
And it is truly amazing how things have changed in just a short amount of time, and I wonder what she'd think about the world and the things that have happened. It just seems like a momentous shift each and every day. The apartment remains relatively the same, but I have been doing what I can to adjust to living her alone, and I am trying to figure out what to do with much of her belongings.
I can't keep all of it, like some sort of museum dedicated to her memory .. and I don't know if I should keep things that were important to her, or that were important to my memory of her, or how much of each should remain. I wonder how others deal with this proposition? I am going to probably donate much of her clothing, and keep some to make quilts for myself and close family. Anything of value will probably be put up on ebay or one of those other sites, with the proceeds to go to no-kill animal shelters and groups that support LGBTQ+ youth at a local level.
She had a special box with most of her tarot decks inside, that was right on top of her computer armoire .. she did psychic readings for others at events, but never really did ours .. well, if she did, I honestly don't know of it. I bought her a couple decks, and from time to time, she'd purchase new ones, but she had a few favorites that she'd go back to, like a comfortable pair of slippers.
I am going to keep all of those, along with her grimoires. It's such an integral part of who she was, that I won't part with them, as I believe her spirit is with them. They have stayed where she left them, and I have placed the urn with her ashes right next to the box, along with stuffed animals, jewelry and other things that were near and dear to her.
That got me thinking about what I could post tonight. I went through some tarot artwork, and this one spoke to me, as I pictured her leading me through a dance, with my dress twirling around as we romanced each other through an endless night. It certainly fits in with the blog, so I made it.
I will post again soon with the usual fare, but once again, I thank you for indulging me once again. So many joys and agonies were shared by us, and it's hard to comprehend not having her around to keep my sanity through these dark times that would be so much easier to endure with just a simple smile on her part. This helps me work through these moments, and your support does such wonders as well.
I can picture us dancing to this song. She was a big Kate Bush fan, and I can hear her now, "Oh, so NOW you listen to her! Couldn't give her the time of day when I was alive!" I am sorry, but I just happened to prefer Tori Amos!
Tarot cards are still being used. To see the future good or bad. Sometimes there spelled to cause change
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. I am shocked when people see the "Death" card revealed, as often that is a sign of change, and that can often be a good thing for them. Me however, I liked my little rut, and really like to get comfortable in it!
DeleteThe last time my beloved had done tarot readings was right before Christmas, at a small winter solstice gathering. She didn't like to charge for her readings, and often that would make other vendors mad, so she'd do very small events or coven related things.
I have a deck somewhere, unless she had absorbed that one too. I plan on doing some self readings if I can find mine. If not, I snag another deck at some point. My favorite deck is the Halloween Deck. I got it when it first came out in 1997. I just looked it up on Amazon, and it's not 30 bucks. Hmmmm, maybe I will search out something else instead that reached out to me.
This was a lovely post Dee....just lovely....
ReplyDeleteDoes true love endure.....as someone who doesn't believe it's hard for me to say...but if there is any type of justice in this world then it should!!!
Over the years I have lost so many that were close to me and I love the idea that I could see them again....and I wish I had the certainty that so many have....the faith that so many have....but I just don't and it hurts me that i don't....
I am glad that you still feel her so close to you....that is as it should be...as to the rest I think that you should find someone else to help you sort out how to deal with the things she left behind....
And you should keep the things that you feel meant something to the both of you....she'll always be a part of you so why not keep a part of her life with you....
She sounds like she was a generous soul....so make sure you kep her generosity in mind as you go through her things.....close your eyes and ask yourself what you think she would want you to do whenever you're in doubt...
As always, I'm here.....supporting you and sending you much love....I so wish I could scoop you up into my arms and just hold you and try to offer you whatever strength I can....but just know that I'm one of the many thousands who love you!!!
Kisses
Kaaren
Well, I don't feel like "she is here" in general, but just as badly as my life has gone the last 4+ months, there have been quite a few moments where I feel like there's been an intervention on my behalf in certain situations.
DeleteIt's been hard to get stuff out precisely because I won't let anyone else come in the apartment to help me. I am being quite strict about where I go and who I am with, and I don't do take out, drive through or go to any restaurants or bars, regardless of how "safe" they say they are. At some point soon, since some of the Salvation Army stores are now open, I'll probably try to do a bin of things every few days, and I'll take it from there, but whatever I bin, I'll go through it a last time to see if there is something I would like to keep in there.
Thank you for the support as usual. It's always the quiet times, like a few minutes before bedtime, or driving down the highway by yourself, that seem to hit me the most. In a way, the pandemic has been good for that, where I don't trigger myself as much hitting places we went to a lot.I am currently thinking about where I will first do a take out order, and how I'd do that to honor her, and think about where she would like to have gone.
And yes, she was the absolute best. I wouldn't be half the man, or woman, or parent I am right now if she hadn't been there to tame me, and make me domesticated. She was so patient and just shrugged off so many things I said and did .. I wonder if she actually was raptured without being a Christian, she was such a sweet person.