Monday, March 30, 2020

Cheer Up Sleepy Jean .. Oh What Can It Mean?


Almost as adorable as my beacon of light. Please come inside. I need to say some things.


Nothing glowed as brightly as the love between us for over 20 years. She had a rough life before she met me. She was molested by a stepdad and treated like shit by her alcoholic real dad. She was raped by her first husband, and was forced to flee the area because he was stalking her after the divorce.

I was a self-described alcoholic long-haired musician with abandonment issues and a child I hadn't ever seen. And kind of an asshole too. How the hell we found each other is a miracle, and just 2 years earlier it might never have worked out. I immediately quit drinking after I met her and heard about her past issues. We were in the right place at the right time, in mid 1999.

We were exactly what we needed. I could be her backbone and her chivalrous dragon, spewing vengeance at those who deserved it. She was my gentle soul, who taught me how to be a caring person and let people inside my defenses, and become the man (and woman!) I really should be.

We started out in a drug infested area of a horrible city, with just each other, and a smattering of furniture that my family members and friends didn't need anymore .. and 5k in band equipment! We had a TWIN mattress, but I worked overnights while she found a job under the table as a laborer, so our paths didn't cross that often so we could sleep in shifts.

That Christmas we saved up for a futon mattress so we had nothing to go under a tree with ornaments my dad had saved from when my mom died of cancer. We wrapped empty food cartons so that it would look like we had gifts for each other. I still found a way to get her a used stuffed animal from Savers, a 2nd hand store.

She slept with that thing until the night before she died (she never made it to bed) along with several others she'd acquired. Since I am allergic to real animals, I didn't begrudge her a menagerie of the cuddly kind, two in one arm, and a 3rd on the other side, with 2 watching over her on top of the pillows every night, strategically placed.

Through time, she got slightly better jobs and she helped me get custody of my progeny after the real mom went insane. We moved to our "better" place on the other side of the tracks, we literally have train tracks about 40 feet from our apartment! We could afford to buy gifts for each other, but always limited it to no more than 80 dollars each, although occasionally we'd go over slightly. We knew we loved each other, and showed it every day; Christmas was just a chance to spoil each other a bit.

And we did have separate interests, but we tried to be as supportive as we could. She'd do an art event, and I'd go with her, stay in the hotel, and help her set up and break down. She'd hunt down old video games for me, or put in ear plugs when I had a gig, which wasn't nearly as often. She became a pretty good signer after years of karaoke, though my daughter was still the star of the family.

We really didn't share much of this side of my life, other than I did dress up a few times for Halloween, and we weren't kinky at all, other than she liked doggie style because I could mount her better that way .. she was a fluffy woman with meat on her bones and I loved her for it. (My ring tone was "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen, and I'd sing that to her at Karaoke. She loved it.

A very vanilla relationship because I never wanted to force anything on such a gentle loving and innocently pure woman, who definitely could have ended up jaded, but instead was the nicest and most caring person that people could meet. I am hearing this time and again on Facebook and emails from her friends, most of whom I didn't honestly know. She made friends with people in the park, waitresses, maids, and others that society would consider trash. She never looked down on them.

Maybe I should assume she now knows Dee. I think she'd find it humorous, and maybe sad that I didn't share this part with her, but she wouldn't judge me harshly. She advocated for gay, lesbian and trans rights, and there were many young and confused teens around our house that would get string cheese, a hot meal, and unconditional love from her after their own parents threw them out. Many of them have reached out to me and told me of the kindest things she'd do for them, like care packages of tooth brushes and mouthwash, shoe laces, and warm socks. She knew what she went through and did not one anyone else have to go through what she did.

I will continue at some point soon to make captions. It's what I do, and as she knows Dee now, I think she'd like me to continue as well, for those who are misfits and those who need some joy, or even some kink. She loved the "magic wand" massager with like 8000 RPM. She'd use it on her own when I was away, or sometimes I would help her out. Unfortunately a few weeks ago she washed her footprints off the wall. I'd LOVE to still see them there.

So while it wasn't a kinkfest like many of the people the follow my blog, I took it as a more pure and romantic courtly love, though we did rock the bed from time to time, as the dents in the sheet rock could attest to, but I wrote her songs, held hands at dinner, I'd swat her butt in stores, tickle her belly .. stuff that was comfortable for her, and wouldn't cause any undo trauma.

And I loved her more than any two bit gutter slut I had ever been with before. There is fucking, there is making love, and there is actual love. I would give up every bit of pleasurable sex with everyone else I ever had, if she would walk through the apartment front door after work tonight and just smile at me, and let me give her a big hug.

I hope that every body that reads this could even experience half the pleasure I had in my slightly over 20 years of being the "other half" to her "better half". There is a huge hole in my heart and what is the shambled pieces of my families life right now that won't be filled by her anymore .. we just have to make sure the memories patch it up, and that we can continue to be the person she was, and to treat people the way she did. That is going to be a momentous task indeed!

I am hoping you will indulge me this post, and possibly a few others from time to time. I cannot even begin to enlighten everyone as to all the ways she made differences in people lives, and she didn't really have a clue. She was filled with self-doubt, and didn't know her own self worth.

She loved dragons, and especially Toothless. Anything mythological. She loved otters, and red pandas, and most creatures, land, air and sea. Everything but snakes. She gave up a bunch of pets because I am allergic, so she took care of stray cats, and pet any dog that walked by. Because of this, I am asking that anyone that would like to donate something in her memory, please find a local no-kill cat shelter and donate money, some food, or maybe even your time. She'd be grateful for your show of love to those creatures that need to be cared for. She was so selfless. I think the world could use a bit more of that once the craziness subsides around us and we can once again have some peace.

I want to be here for my daughter and my angels stepsister that still lives with us, both who are completely waylaid right now. But I do long for the day where I can meet up with my beloved, and ride on the breeze, skyclad and wrapped in each other's love, and whisper to all the young lovers to appreciate the things that matter most.


I have already decided that I shall have this song played at her memorial when we are allowed to have one, hopefully around summer solstice. We saw them on their 50th reunion, before Peter Tork died. One of our favorite concerts together, and were in the 4th row.Interestingly enough, she didn't really like most of Davy Jones' songs. Just this one.

Lastly, I tried to be as vague as I could, but still gave out plenty of information that could led to me real identity being exposed. If you have any idea who I really am, please keep it to yourself. It would be rude and cruel, and that isn't how she'd want the blog, and my anonymity to end.

8 comments:

  1. Dee, she loved you, and she was your world. There is no replacing her, not ever. :(

    I am certain that she would want you to continue being a creative artist of music and the mind and much else. My feelings at this moment, on learning that you are a musician (I've suspected it for a long time, given your inclinations!), are ones of shock and awe. Long have I composed songs in my head, unable to write them down in proper notation because I have never been musically trained as a composer. But there is just an orchestra inside my mind. I am gratified to know that you are a band-slammer as well. Oh, Dee, I wish I could hear your songs.

    Sleepy Jean, what can it mean?

    To love is to open oneself to the possibility of being hurt. That is the price we must pay if we are to love. C.S. Lewis once said (and here I'm quoting from the movie that was made about him, _The Shadowlands_), "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

    And this:

    “Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”

    I love you, my sister, and I wish I could embrace you to let a bit of sunlight into your life right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dee, is there a way that we might chat instantly, like via Hangouts or something?

      Delete
  2. She sounds like a gem, Dee. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm amazed you're feeling articulate enough to write what you have; I doubt I would be. I admire your strength and your compassion, and I hope you can somehow manage to find a way to be thankful that you knew and loved her for as long as you did.
    Take care.
    Amanda Hawkins (of Amanda's Reading Room; I don't have a Google account)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dee....as I've told you privately, my wife and I are no strangers to loss and we have always made it through together....I can't imagine losing her....
    But I read your post and I had to go away....logoff....for a couple of hours as the sadness of it just swept over me!!!!
    But I felt almost an obligation to come back and let you know how this touched me so deeply....
    So many of us rose from fucked up childhoods to become the good people we are....it's just such an effort not to let it define us....to break out....to become someone worthwhile!!!!
    It sounds to me like you two were in love....I know that many people say they're in love but that's not enough...
    Love is a connection that's deeper, it's not possible to put it into words although poets have been trying since forever!!!!
    You say you were vanilla lovers....but that's not the important thing....the important thing is that you were lovers...
    I don't know....again my "gift for words" fails me....
    If my wife wasn't interested in my various fetishes....I would love her just the same...because love transcend sex....love is all any of us should hope for and so many rarely find it....
    Real love lasts....forever....it's a part of us....a part of ourselves which we have given to someone else that we can never get back....
    I was so surprised to see anything from you so soon....but I understand that being able to speak to a largely anonymous audience can be cathartic and can help you get it all straight in your own head....
    I have worked out some things the same way....
    My wife is pestering me to finish up so she can get at the keyboard...
    Oh....one last thing....I love that song....and it's a fitting tribute...especially given that she loved it too!!!
    Take good care of you and your family Dee....
    Kisses
    Kaaren

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dee, I can't really add much to what "Kaaren" has already written here.
    True love is so rare that many people never know it.
    Cherish the years you had together. Cherish the memories. Be grateful for the gift that she gave you and be thankful that you were able to reciprocate.
    Every life has it's joys and sadness, remember the joys and maybe it will make the sadness a little easier to withstand.
    Just to let you know, I'm praying for you and your family.
    You don't have to be strong, let those around you be strong for you.
    That mutual strength will carry you as you go on.
    Love
    Mrs. K.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just absolutely heartrendingly beautiful, Dee! A wonderful tribute to a special woman and the love you shared together. She sounds like an amazing person, the kind who comes around once in a lifetime, and who makes the world a better place for being in it.

    Twenty years of love is more than some people get, and yet not nearly enough. I hope her memory remains as strong in your head as your heart, and that you can continue to be the person she loved so absolutely.

    Whether she knew about Dee or not, I know she would have loved and accepted you with all her heart. I firmly believe that embracing our feminine side makes is better, more complete, and more open to love, so even if she didn't have a name to put to it, I'm sure she loved what she saw of Dee in your every day.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That was a beautiful tribute, Dee. She sounds like she was an amazing and strong woman.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My dear, that was absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad you got to have a life together and thank you for sharing with all of us. I'm sure she felt all the love you had for her.

    ReplyDelete