Cheer Up Sleepy Jean .. Oh What Can It Mean?

Almost as adorable as my beacon of light. Please come inside. I need to say some things.

Nothing glowed as brightly as the love between us for over 20 years. She had a rough life before she met me. She was molested by a stepdad and treated like shit by her alcoholic real dad. She was raped by her first husband, and was forced to flee the area because he was stalking her after the divorce.

I was a self-described alcoholic long-haired musician with abandonment issues and a child I hadn't ever seen. And kind of an asshole too. How the hell we found each other is a miracle, and just 2 years earlier it might never have worked out. I immediately quit drinking after I met her and heard about her past issues. We were in the right place at the right time, in mid 1999.

We were exactly what we needed. I could be her backbone and her chivalrous dragon, spewing vengeance at those who deserved it. She was my gentle soul, who taught me how to be a caring person and let people inside my defenses, and become the man (and woman!) I really should be.

We started out in a drug infested area of a horrible city, with just each other, and a smattering of furniture that my family members and friends didn't need anymore .. and 5k in band equipment! We had a TWIN mattress, but I worked overnights while she found a job under the table as a laborer, so our paths didn't cross that often so we could sleep in shifts.

That Christmas we saved up for a futon mattress so we had nothing to go under a tree with ornaments my dad had saved from when my mom died of cancer. We wrapped empty food cartons so that it would look like we had gifts for each other. I still found a way to get her a used stuffed animal from Savers, a 2nd hand store.

She slept with that thing until the night before she died (she never made it to bed) along with several others she'd acquired. Since I am allergic to real animals, I didn't begrudge her a menagerie of the cuddly kind, two in one arm, and a 3rd on the other side, with 2 watching over her on top of the pillows every night, strategically placed.

Through time, she got slightly better jobs and she helped me get custody of my progeny after the real mom went insane. We moved to our "better" place on the other side of the tracks, we literally have train tracks about 40 feet from our apartment! We could afford to buy gifts for each other, but always limited it to no more than 80 dollars each, although occasionally we'd go over slightly. We knew we loved each other, and showed it every day; Christmas was just a chance to spoil each other a bit.

And we did have separate interests, but we tried to be as supportive as we could. She'd do an art event, and I'd go with her, stay in the hotel, and help her set up and break down. She'd hunt down old video games for me, or put in ear plugs when I had a gig, which wasn't nearly as often. She became a pretty good signer after years of karaoke, though my daughter was still the star of the family.

We really didn't share much of this side of my life, other than I did dress up a few times for Halloween, and we weren't kinky at all, other than she liked doggie style because I could mount her better that way .. she was a fluffy woman with meat on her bones and I loved her for it. (My ring tone was "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen, and I'd sing that to her at Karaoke. She loved it.

A very vanilla relationship because I never wanted to force anything on such a gentle loving and innocently pure woman, who definitely could have ended up jaded, but instead was the nicest and most caring person that people could meet. I am hearing this time and again on Facebook and emails from her friends, most of whom I didn't honestly know. She made friends with people in the park, waitresses, maids, and others that society would consider trash. She never looked down on them.

Maybe I should assume she now knows Dee. I think she'd find it humorous, and maybe sad that I didn't share this part with her, but she wouldn't judge me harshly. She advocated for gay, lesbian and trans rights, and there were many young and confused teens around our house that would get string cheese, a hot meal, and unconditional love from her after their own parents threw them out. Many of them have reached out to me and told me of the kindest things she'd do for them, like care packages of tooth brushes and mouthwash, shoe laces, and warm socks. She knew what she went through and did not one anyone else have to go through what she did.

I will continue at some point soon to make captions. It's what I do, and as she knows Dee now, I think she'd like me to continue as well, for those who are misfits and those who need some joy, or even some kink. She loved the "magic wand" massager with like 8000 RPM. She'd use it on her own when I was away, or sometimes I would help her out. Unfortunately a few weeks ago she washed her footprints off the wall. I'd LOVE to still see them there.

So while it wasn't a kinkfest like many of the people the follow my blog, I took it as a more pure and romantic courtly love, though we did rock the bed from time to time, as the dents in the sheet rock could attest to, but I wrote her songs, held hands at dinner, I'd swat her butt in stores, tickle her belly .. stuff that was comfortable for her, and wouldn't cause any undo trauma.

And I loved her more than any two bit gutter slut I had ever been with before. There is fucking, there is making love, and there is actual love. I would give up every bit of pleasurable sex with everyone else I ever had, if she would walk through the apartment front door after work tonight and just smile at me, and let me give her a big hug.

I hope that every body that reads this could even experience half the pleasure I had in my slightly over 20 years of being the "other half" to her "better half". There is a huge hole in my heart and what is the shambled pieces of my families life right now that won't be filled by her anymore .. we just have to make sure the memories patch it up, and that we can continue to be the person she was, and to treat people the way she did. That is going to be a momentous task indeed!

I am hoping you will indulge me this post, and possibly a few others from time to time. I cannot even begin to enlighten everyone as to all the ways she made differences in people lives, and she didn't really have a clue. She was filled with self-doubt, and didn't know her own self worth.

She loved dragons, and especially Toothless. Anything mythological. She loved otters, and red pandas, and most creatures, land, air and sea. Everything but snakes. She gave up a bunch of pets because I am allergic, so she took care of stray cats, and pet any dog that walked by. Because of this, I am asking that anyone that would like to donate something in her memory, please find a local no-kill cat shelter and donate money, some food, or maybe even your time. She'd be grateful for your show of love to those creatures that need to be cared for. She was so selfless. I think the world could use a bit more of that once the craziness subsides around us and we can once again have some peace.

I want to be here for my daughter and my angels stepsister that still lives with us, both who are completely waylaid right now. But I do long for the day where I can meet up with my beloved, and ride on the breeze, skyclad and wrapped in each other's love, and whisper to all the young lovers to appreciate the things that matter most.

I have already decided that I shall have this song played at her memorial when we are allowed to have one, hopefully around summer solstice. We saw them on their 50th reunion, before Peter Tork died. One of our favorite concerts together, and were in the 4th row.Interestingly enough, she didn't really like most of Davy Jones' songs. Just this one.

Lastly, I tried to be as vague as I could, but still gave out plenty of information that could led to me real identity being exposed. If you have any idea who I really am, please keep it to yourself. It would be rude and cruel, and that isn't how she'd want the blog, and my anonymity to end.