Friday, March 2, 2012

Tears of the Dragon

I was listening to some music, and rewinding from the day (and week too!) when the shuffle mode kicked into this song by Bruce Dickinson. It is one of his best songs (other than possibly 'Jerusalem') and its very fitting, for those sisters in TG that are quite serious about becoming the woman they need to be, where the outside matches what has been just inside for far too long.

As I've mentioned in other posts, I have no desire to be a woman in real life. This is all fantasy for me. Someone posted in Rachel's Haven asking how much desire you have to be a woman from 0 to 10, with 10 being the most. Other posters who mention that for real life they'd probably be a 2, and if there was a magical change, they'd be a 9. I am closer to 1 for real life, and 8 for magical, figuring if there was magic, there would have to be a way for me to switch back and forth. Maybe once I tried it magically, I'd never want to go back to being the old me, but I'm pretty sure I would be the male me, with just slight vacations in female form.

Many out there are stuck in their male forms, either through monetary issues, previous life choices, relatives and significant other pressure, or whatever keeps them from being who they really are. That burden is excruciating.

I was sexually abused when I was about 6 years old by a family member. I suppressed it for many years, and wondered why I was so uncomfortable around him, especially once my daughter hit age 3 or 4. Around that time something happened, and triggered memories of most of the aftermath of the 3rd (I think) and final incident. I still don't recall most of the actual abuse (I remember him telling me not to tell anyone what was happening) but all the drama between my parents and the relative can still be called up in the memories of my mind. I don't know if they knew ALL that had happened, but it was sufficiently covered up within the family that no one ever spoke about it again. The incident I recall them fighting over was that he gave me quite a bit of alcohol for a kid. I am not sure if they caught him doing anything to me but the fight was much more than, "jeez, I just gave him a few swigs of brandy! Lighten up!"

Even now, I haven't brought it up to anyone in my family. He is in his 80's, and is in a weakened state. I have told my girlfriend though, and a few friends know about the trauma I've dealt with. Getting it out on my own terms and coming to deal with it has made me a stronger person.

Keeping any sort of secret is hard work. Something so ingrained and deep in our personality is even worse to bear. To all out there with the crushing sense of hopelessness in your life.. I hope you find the strength to let it out someday.


  1. An excellent marriage of metal song and tg caption.

    The lyrics of the song really do covey a strong message. Although personally I will always claim Machine Head's Imperium as the most empowering song for myself, this song by Bruce Dickinson is quite awesome as well.

    Thank you for sharing Dee.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing Dee. That was really insightful. One of those layers I wasn't completely aware of.

  3. Powerful stuff and important introspection. Thank you for sharing that, I wish there was something more I could say.