Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Personas Personified!

Caitlyn said:
How separate are your personas?


My name in real life isn't Caitlyn. In all honesty my real life name isn't Calvin either, although Calvin IS my middle name. While it isn't my real name, Calvin does represent me as I see myself. He is as close to me as you can get online.

Caitlyn isn't me, but she is a part of me. Before I came to the Haven, she was always there, but she wasn't well defined, or even named. She was just the feminine part of me.


So while Caitlyn will forever be a part of me, she is getting her own voice. A voice that is separate from mine. And before anyone gets concerned, I don't believe this is any type of personality disorder (although I am not a trained psychologist or psychotherapist, so I really wouldn't know). I am fully aware of Caitlyn, and accept that Caitlyn is a part of me. The same is true when I am Caitlyn... she is aware of me, and accepts that she is only a part of me.

Do other people feel this way? Is Dee separate from Damien, or are you truly Dee?
I edited it down a bit from the complete posting, which you can see in the Open Thread discussion in the “Even Bimbos Can Use These!” comment section. I mostly edited because of space issues, not because of lack of interesting discussion. In fact, please read her entire comment first, then come back here and read what I have to say.

There is a reason why I have both Dee and Dee Dee listed in my preferences, as well as Dementia, in addition to Damien. I will quickly break them down as follows:

Dee is pretty much the female version of Damien. Usually in chat, in comments, and any other sort of correspondence I do .. it is Dee that you are talking to. Dee is probably a bit more pleasant than Damien, especially now that I am an admin at the Haven, but what you see is what you get.

Dee Dee is the “bimbo submissive” type that was invented mostly for captions to start. I enjoy reading bimbo type captions, but it was a bit jarring to see the name Dee attached to them, since as you’ve seen above … Dee = female Damien. Separating the two was good because it can be a fantasy thing. Since the time when I created her, I can occasionally find myself in the Deedee mindset, but usually it takes either heavy sedation or intense stress to make that side come out. Sometimes I can do it with my imagination, but it is quite hard to do.

Dementia is more for when I am in Mistress mode, and when creating certain captions for others. Damien and Dee tend to view people as equals, and even though I am often in control, I don’t tend to hold it over people. Dementia however, can be as cruel as needed, and once again, it is more of a character designed to keep Dee and Damien as close to myself as possible. There is quite a bit of me *IN* Dementia, but I wouldn’t want to fuck with her. She is Dee in bitch mode, with an attitude, though protective of her little ones under her control. She's such a good character, that its enjoyable to see captioneers use me when they make captions for others.

Long story still longish .. All of the personas are me, but only Damien and Dee truly approximate who I am in real life. Of course there are overlaps, and I have used Dee instead of Dementia, and in captions that people make for me, sometimes I am called Dee when probably Deedee should've been used, but it isn't as big a deal to me as it used to be.

If any of what I've said here needs clarification, or if I missed something, let me know and I'll certainly follow up in the comments.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: How much of the real you is in your persona? Do you have multiple personas and how do you reconcile them? If you wish to respond to Caitlyn, post in the open discussion listed above. Respond to my stuff here in this posting.


  1. ok, so I just had a big post to go up, but.. this mouse pad on this laptop is pissing me off..

    Jeremy is my real name, but if I were to talk about him.. then it would be boring. if it's not boring, it's very stressful and depressing. heh, so I get on here and I'm Jennifer. ^_^ I don't have the same responsibility's, it's a huge, HUGE undertaking when you take care of a disabled person, you sacrifice a lot of things people take for granted.

    but both Jeremy and Jennifer has to deal with one problem. Sever OCD.. Can drive me up the wall sometimes, and since Jennifer is only online, she of course obsesses in different ways. And i know it can get really annoying, I like to think my friendships are strong enough to put up with it, but even that I have doubts about. if it pisses me off, then I can't imagine how annoying it is to other people..

    I bring that all up just so I can bring up that Jennifer is also very submissive. why does that have to do with OCD? heh.. when I'm submitting it's just not my problem anymore. I have someone else to answer to, not just my obsessive thoughts. Maybe It's really not possible for that to happen, but when I was briefly owned by my former master, I never felt freer and most of my obsessive thoughts were just background noise.

    so where Jeremy is strong and in control. Jennifer can show weakness, submissiveness, actually cry a little. even just vent about some things that Jeremy would do best to keep to him self.

    Now, If giving half the chance I would let Jennifer out in the real world too. I found out through my interaction online, that I truly love being submissive, it's hard to explain, but I got a taste for it and it makes me feel so much better about my self. like.. I'm truly cared for when I do get the chance.

    to much information? ehh... probably not enough. but that's what I got. heh.

    oh, and if you talk to anyone I know that online, they could probably tell you all about how I got and earned my first last name as Jennifer. it may have been cocktease, but I didn't leave anyone hanging. ;) properly motivated I can get under your skin.. in a good way! *giggle*

  2. Simone is me, a very feminine me, but still very much me. She's strong when she needs to be, but also playful and fun. The difference between them rests in the outer coating and their preference to what type of finery they prefer to wear. Perhaps Simone is a touch more confident than me, but not by too much.

    Chloe is that part that wants to feel the ideal fantasy - the happy ending, the hot boyfriend, the sweet best friend/girlfriend, looking cute, all American girl.

    Sasha is the bitch. She's not cruel, but she allows me to explore the darker fantasies. Tight, restrictive clothing as she sits a top a throne will her pets on a leash sitting next to her. The difference between Simone and Sasha is that one likes to trap with honey, the other with a whip.

    Each side allows me to take a walk within an idea inside my head. Where would you go? Who would you be? All i want is the walk; I don't think I would want a one day ticket. Truthfully I'm rather happy with life and wouldn't dream of giving it up but i can't help but wonder as well. Perhaps a double life as your friendly neighborhood Fairy TG Godmother would be ideal for me.

  3. I probably shouldn't have picked Smitty as my screen name since the character "Smitty" is so different from me. I am not a rapist, for instance...

    I don't really consider the multiple characters I use as personas though. I think of them as characters in a shared universe. Basically if I cap someone in a series with the Smitty character, I consider them one of my characters to use again from time to time.

    I don't really identify with any of these characters personally, which for me is the appeal.

  4. @ Jennifer

    I think that Jeremy and Jennifer have integrated fairly well into each other. It probably happened around the time that you were looking to do the whole dress up in drag for Halloween a few years ago.

    @ Simone

    You were one of the first people I had chatted with that actually had a few personas. Pretty sure that influenced my decision to have Dee Dee come out and play occasionally. I am sure that there are MANY people around that would LOVE to have you as their Fairy TG Godmother!

    @ Smitty

    I'm sure that having a whole Smittyverse floating around in that noggin of yours is a wild and exciting experience! I am so glad that you give us little glimpses of what goes on in there. Fantasy is such a wondrous escape from reality!

  5. @ dee If you mean I grew much more accepting of this side of my self, I think your right. I've grown more comfortable as Jennifer. ^_^

  6. Ahh, good to have internet again.

    So as for the question... Who is Kaitlyn? As far as I'm concerned, she's an alias. She is who I identify as within this community. Kaitlyn is the girl who gets to release a fantasy of mine I could not any other way. But that is all she is. A fantasy.

    I wouldn't say she isn't a part of who I am, but I don't make a distinction. I like who I am. I am proud of my achievements. I am sad for my failures, and look at them as fuel to do better. Kaitlyn derives from a combination of my creative & curious side. I don't ever think I will be able to understand why I enjoy this fantasy. But as far as I'm concerned, Kaitlyn is only a name I go by to enjoy it nonetheless.

  7. Everything I post is as me. I make no distinctions between male me or female me. It's all one person. If you look, you can see different sides of my personality come out from time to time. They're not different aspects or persona's, though. The boundaries in my preferences aren't set up for persona's either. They just express the limits of what I, as myself, realistically imagine myself enjoying under any circumstances. I've created characters, but they were only used in the games they were created for. They have little resemblance to me.